Rating: NC-17
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard
Word count: ~2,900
Warnings: Character death, Ascension & tentacles
Summary: The Ancients forgot something very important. Rodney won't make the same mistake.
AN: I just wanted to try writing some tentacle sex for fledge. Look where it got me. :-/
Rising
"Okay, look," Rodney glanced briefly at the dark Atlantis Gate looming over him in the otherwise abandoned room, "not that I'm complaining or something, but what is this, Clichés 'R Us?"
~~~
"One, two, three, four."
John winced as he felt one of the ribs under his blood-slick fingers break, silently apologizing to his still friend. Teyla was obediently breathing air between lips that had taken on a definite blue tinge.
"One, two, three, four."
Ronon's voice betrayed nothing as the large Satedan counted. John was grateful for that, concentrating on the rhythmic compressions, not daring to look up into Teyla's eyes. He knew what he would read there.
"One, two, three, four."
It had been far too long since McKay had gone down, since the scientist had stopped breathing, since John had raised his P90 in a red haze and just killed, killed, killed everything that moved around him, peripherally grateful that Teyla had dropped to her knees beside their fallen team-mate, and that Ronon was wise enough to stay out of his way.
~~~
"I mean, sure, I'm flattered and so on, but Freud would have had a field day with your symbolism, don't you think?"
"All of this is an embodiment of your own mind."
Rodney looked at the naquadah ring again, wincing as it lit up, doubt clear in his voice as he said, "This isn't your way of telling me I have a sick relationship to my mother, is it? Because I'll have you know there's no relationship at all."
"This is not about your mother, Dr. McKay."
~~~
"One, two, three, four."
Another rib cracked, and the lack of a harsh complaint made John want to cry. He kept on, not willing to give up, even though he knew it was pointless. There was so much blood, too much, but he refused to admit defeat. It wasn't what he did.
"One, two, three, four."
"C'mon, Rodney, don't do this to me."
His murmured plea was met with silence.
~~~
"So what now, I let go of all my worldly attachments to reach enlightenment?"
"Such is the way that each traveller shall leave their burden along the path."
"You know, I've never been very good at following orders. Well, okay, yes, I have been, but
only because most times they weren't exceptionally stupid."
~~~
"Colonel Sheppard."
"Not now, Teyla."
He pressed down hard, willing the other man's heart to beat.
"John."
He tilted Rodney's head back, watching his friend's chest rise as he filled his lungs with his breath. Ronon had stopped counting.
"John."
~~~
"The butterfly's wings are feeble, yet they carry it over a great distance."
"Okay, yes, can we drop the Zen, please?"
"You have to let go, Dr. McKay." The Ancient smiled at him. "Think about all the things you will learn."
"I'm thinking about the lack of alternative, thank you very much."
~~~
A small but strong hand reached for his arm, closing painfully around his wrist, refusing to let him continue. He looked up in desperation, meeting Teyla's dark eyes. He saw sadness there, helplessness, a knowledge he wasn't ready for.
"I am sorry. But Dr. McKay is dead."
John let out a harsh breath.
~~~
"Can I say goodbye?"
"There is no more time."
And Rodney could feel it, an aching cold creeping through his body, a sluggishness of thought picking at the edge of his mind.
"Right."
~~~
A small tingle ran through John's hand where it rested on the still chest of the man he would have liked to call his best friend, but hadn't really known good enough for that. He stared into Rodney's face, the sight of pale, blood-dotted skin and slack lips forever caught in his mind. There was a faint shimmer around the scientist, erupting into a bright light even as John gasped and snatched his hand back, the tingle turning into a far too familiar burn, scorching his skin without leaving a mark.
"Colonel?"
But he didn't acknowledge Teyla, didn't look at anyone around him, his eyes fixed in disbelief on the glowing creature rising in front of him. It was slowly turning, like it was getting used to its new form, before it made its way to the sky.
And vanished.
~~~
"Okay, this is… this is cool."
And it was, way beyond the ill fitting words he could find to describe it. The universe lay open before him, beautiful in its structured form, elegant in its brilliant simplicity. It was the laws of physics in motion, an orchestra of mathematics, and if he still could, he would have wept with sheer, overflowing joy.
"There is more."
The Ancient pulsed beside him, amused excitement, and Rodney turned, and laughed, and flew.
~~~
"Are you saying that Rodney ascended?"
Elizabeth stared at them in shock, and John could well relate to that. From what little he had learned about ascension, Rodney McKay hadn't been a likely candidate.
"Yes." His answer was short, clipped. But she was too preoccupied with the news to notice.
"But there would have had to be an Ancient to help him."
"We saw no such thing, Dr. Weir."
Teyla, bless her little Athosian heart, had obviously decided that she was just as fit to answer Elizabeth's questions as John. It gave him time to get his act together, to keep the façade from cracking.
It kept him from crying, and that alone was a very, very good thing.
Rodney had ascended, yes. But before that, he had died.
~~~
There was so much, so much Rodney had never known, and he wanted to learn it all at once. He could feel the Others around him, could sense their puzzlement at his unexpected behaviour. He even picked up a thought that stated, Daniel Jackson wasn't like this, and it made him laugh again. No, of course he wasn't. Jackson had been a scholar. Rodney was a scientist. And this was all he could have ever dreamed of, the stars were his, and they were beautiful
The one who had given him this present gave his mind a gentle nudge.
"Come. There is more."
~~~
Sweat was running into his eyes, stinging, but John kept going, despite the fact that he had done his best to kill the punching bag for the last two hours. It felt good, he felt numb, and that was all he wanted.
"John?"
"Damn it!" he cursed loudly, aiming a last vicious swing at the heavy bag before turning around and fixing Elizabeth with a withering look. "What?"
"You seem upset," she said dryly.
"One of my team members just turned into a giant, glowing squid, so excuse me if I'm a little on edge here!"
"This could be the best thing that has happened to us since we got here, John." Her eyes were shining with barely suppressed excitement. "Rodney could be an ally among the Ancients. Just think about all the things we-"
"Rodney is dead, don't you get that?" he interrupted her rudely. "He died, and if you don't believe me, there's a very large pool of blood back on M5X-Fuck that can prove it."
Elizabeth looked at him, startled.
"Yes, he died, but he ascended, John. He is still around somewhere. And there are so many things we can learn from him."
John snorted, ignoring her hurt expression.
"He is gone, Elizabeth. Rodney has the universe to play with, and he won't look back."
~~~
"Why me?"
"You look upon the universe with a wonder we have lost. Our ascension has made us afraid with time, fearful of the consequences if we gave in to our own marvel at the vastness around us. But this way has led us far from all the other living things around us, and into an isolation we never wanted. It is time we found that spark within ourselves again."
He could feel the agreement in the Others, and it was humbling. They might not have supported 'his' Ancient's idea in the first place, but now that Rodney was here, they seemed to be drawn to him, trying to find some resonance of his own amazement within themselves. He reached out for his companion.
"I don't even know your name."
"It is not important."
But it was. Names had always been important to Rodney.
~~~
Atlantis was quiet around him, just like it had been for the past few days. Part of it was because Rodney's absence was deeply felt, and the oftentimes very vocal scientist had left a hole nobody wanted to fill. Part of it was because John's silent brooding drove everyone away.
Almost everyone.
"How are you feeling?" Teyla asked, leaning her slender arms on the railing of the dark balcony, joining him.
"Like crap." The first time he had answered that question with a touch of honesty.
She knew, he could tell. But he wouldn't acknowledge his feelings in front of another person, not now, not ever. He could see the realization dawn, and received a graceful nod of silent understanding.
He hadn't said anything while Rodney was still alive, afraid of consequences that, in hindsight, appeared insubstantial.
It seemed meaningless to say it now.
~~~
Names, connected to faces, growing in their importance along with the people behind them. There weren't many of them holding any significance to him, a few of them standing out among the others. Carson, Radek, Samantha, Teyla, Elizabeth, Ronon, Laura, Daniel, Aiden. The names of friends. Rodney could feel them in the distance, some of them missing him, others busy with their own lives, their own problems. Still, some of them missing him, overwhelming him with the depth of that feeling.
In the midst of them, the name he had never dared to speak.
John.
And the moment he thought it, darkness hit, enveloping him with pain and loss and sadness and a loneliness so deep it didn't even hurt anymore.
John.
And Rodney knew.
~~~
There was no memorial, because there was no body. Rodney's room wasn't cleaned out, because nobody knew what to do with his things. There was no last will to be read, no testament to carry out, no next of kin to inform, because Rodney McKay wasn't dead.
Except he was. The evidence was there, in the smallest of things. The abandoned coffee cup in the middle of the scientist's lab table, dried to a stack of paper with reports he never got to take apart, slowly collecting dust. The way orange juice and lemon fish were hesitantly introduced in the mess hall. The fact that John had had to requisition a new uniform to replace the one that had been ruined with dried blood. The distinct lack of enthusiasm when Team Four handed their new-found ZPM to Radek Zelenka.
And the way he tried so very hard to collect his shattered dreams, to rein in his straying thoughts, and failed again and again and again.
He had thought unrequited love hurt. Now he learned that unacknowledged love was even worse.
~~~
"You cannot go back."
"Watch me."
Rodney tried to leave, but his path was blocked.
"You cannot go."
He wanted to be annoyed, but all he felt was pity.
"Don't you get it? This is the spark you're looking for. The whole secret. That's all there is."
~~~
"John."
It was a dream, it had to be. There was no way Rodney would be standing in his room, wearing faded blue jeans and a green shirt that made his eyes shine.
"I'm real." The familiar crooked grin, and John stared at him, water from his recent shower dripping on the floor, towel in one hand, and not caring.
"Hellooo! This is the point where you tell me you've missed me like hell and love me like crazy and we kiss and there's sex."
John inhaled a shaky breath, tumbling forward, towel dropping to the floor.
"Rodney."
It felt like freefall. Then he was caught.
~~~
John in his arms, trembling hard, oddly vulnerable in his nakedness. Damp skin under his hands, warm from the shower, pressing into his not-quite-corporeal form. Lips on his neck, stumbling over words of apology and regret and love and desire. Words that brought forth his own jumbled babble of forgiveness and reassurance and love, love, love.
The Others were there, watching, trying to understand, trying to feel through him what they had so stupidly left behind in their quest for knowledge.
And then John's lips met his, and everything else faded away.
~~~
Rodney was kissing him with a focused tenderness that made John's heart ache. He pressed harder into the other man, desperate for more, ignoring the way rough clothing chafed over sensitive skin. He needed the contact, needed more, and he gasped as the other man's clothes disappeared just like that, and skin met skin in a warm, glorious touch that brought them together almost from head to toe.
Rodney's hand slid around his back, clasping his ass with a firm grip. They moaned in tandem, hot flesh pressing together between their bodies. Then Rodney started to whimper.
"I'm sorry, I haven't got the hang of this corporeal thing yet, I'm sorry, so sorry," and John cried out as touch turned into that intense, burning sensation he had felt when Chaya had embraced him in her true form. Rodney's chest was still pressed to his, as was his mouth, tongues dancing with their kiss, but his lower body had started to expand, to move around him, light tendrils mapping John's body. He shuddered, involuntarily thrusting forward into that bright heat. It was Chaya again, only so much more, so much deeper, valued, precious.
John jumped when a tendril flickered over his opening, and Rodney chuckled into his mouth. Then there was pressure, hesitant, testing, finally slipping in. His knees threatened to buckle underneath him as he felt his muscles expand, felt that scorching heat curl inside him, flexing, moving, burning over his prostate, sending a forceful spell of pleasure through his body. He slumped against Rodney, eyes fluttering closed even as he felt the other man transform against him. A second tendril pushed inside him, a third, stretching him almost impossibly wide, except he didn't feel any pain, only overwhelming, vigorous bliss. He groaned, a helpless, throaty sound that was swallowed as Rodney's tongue changed, filling his mouth with a heavy, coiling heat. Breathing through his nose, John sucked helplessly, moaning brokenly at the movements the tendrils made in his ass, twisting, coiling, shifting inside him, massaging his inner walls, rubbing over his prostate with their smouldering touch.
He wasn't thrusting anymore, just shivering, held upright only by Rodney's strangely solid form, moaning, gasping, and shuddering against him. Then the three tendrils inside him bent in a new and unexpected way, and he screamed as the searing pleasure coalesced into charring, shattering release.
Then the world whitened out and he fell into Rodney.
~~~
John collapsed against him, knees buckling and eyes rolling back. Rodney caught him gently, pulling out of him, lowering his sweaty form on the narrow bed.
"You cannot do that again. It would kill him," his Ancient admonished.
"I know." And he did.
"This is not your path anymore. You will have to leave him behind."
"I know."
~~~
"I will come back for you," his friend, his lover, said, lying next to him, carding his fingers through John's hair.
"Rodney, I can't-"
"Don't say you're not worth it. God, don't even start, because I don't deserve this any more than you. You'd fly, faster than light. And there'd be stars and planets, galaxies, nebulae, a view more amazing than any Ferris Wheel could ever be. And me, John. Are you really saying you don't want that?"
"I'm not as fascinating as the universe, Rodney. You'll get bored." He gave a shaky laugh.
"John, you-" Rodney broke off, the glow around him returning. Tendrils made of light wrapped around John, touching him gently. "Don't you know what you are to me?"
~~~
Hazel eyes locking with his in surprise, amusement, anger, fear, joy, exasperation, scorn, affection. A mop of thick black hair that was endearingly hopeless. Lean figure, confident stride. A man so brave, so compassionate, so strong, yet so fragile underneath that strength. Always keeping up the façade, always in charge, always trying to protect them against any and every threat. Far too willing to give up his own life to save others, far too precious to be left alone. A man to be admired, to be aided, to be cherished, to be protected, worthy of all the things Rodney had never given before, to anyone. His loyalty, his friendship, his support, his love, his life freely offered to save this dear soul. Blood spilled in the most ancient of sacrifices.
And a promise, of his soul, of his being, of everything he had to give, if he could only keep this one thing he wanted, if he could only hold this heart, if he could only have this spirit beside him, so that they could soar together, making the universe their home and the stars their playground. A vow, of commitment and forever.
If only.
~~~
John looked into the blue sky, smiling.
His heart was out there.
One day, his soul would follow.